A few weeks ago, Breitbart made the unusual decision to print a “Report from Valhalla.”

Some saw this as a radical move—a view of the West through an implicitly racial lens that eschewed Christian weakness in favor of Odinic badassery. Others thought the “report” was the most bizarre creation ever produced by conservative media. The others are in the right.

The so-called report is really just an attempt at a modern saga depicting Odin and the Einherjar discussing the threat Islam poses to the West. Admittedly, it is an interesting step to depict the old gods as the driving force behind Western resistance to Islamic expansion, but there’s more here than just the defense of traditional Europe. The All-Father now wants to win the “War of the Fourteen Centuries”—which supposedly began when Muslims conquered Jerusalem 1378 years ago.

Why the Aesir care about the birthplace of Christianity—which destroyed their sacred groves and portrayed them as devils—switching hands to another Semitic faith is beyond me. That’s the first problem with this “saga.” It only gets worse when you realize that the whole tale imagines Odin as a neocon hell-bent on invading the entire Middle East.

He even has his own “Coalition of the Willing,” dubbed the “Council for the Defense of the West.” All the dead warriors gathered at this council were Christian in life but as the “author” Roland (who is the Roland) explains, bearers of the Cross are now allowed into Valhalla. We then learn what is the true enemy of heathens and Christians alike: Muslims. The One-Eyed God elaborates why he has a disdain for Muslims, once again reiterating his anger at the Christian loss of Jerusalem in the eighth century, while adding in the conquest of the entire Near East by Islam. It’s never explained why Odin would care which group of non-Whites controls the heart of monotheism.

Nevertheless, Odin eventually comes to describe the Muslim invasions of Europe and the valiant efforts that repelled them. He also mentions the new tool Muslims are using to invade Europe—immigration. A bold move for a kosher con site.

And then the Lord of the Aesir turns to…reading the Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal. Yes, really. He narrates the articles in question, which are all about how President Barack Obama refuses to take a “tough” stand against Islam. Oh, and here Obama is referred to as “Barack Hussein Obama.” The Father of the Runes is mad that Obama told Marines to stand down in the conflict in Yemen, his criticism of the Crusades, his “weak” national security policy, and, of course, playing too much golf. Odin sounds here more like John Bolton than the slayer of Ymir.

Things get even more ridiculous when Don John of Austria harps in to bash Obama for “opposing economic growth” by wanting to solve climate change. “How will the West get its arms if it has no money?” asks the Austrian leader who helped stem the Islamic tide centuries ago.

The most utterly absurd thing comes from John III Sobieski though. The Polish king who fought the Turks at the gates of Vienna ridicules the present-day President for failing to mention the anti-Semitism that underlined the Paris kosher deli attack. Because we all those know seventeenth century Poles loved Jews, unlike that closet Nazi Obongo!

Speaking of Nazis, Winston Churchill is present at this council. Bearing responsibility for the slaughter of millions of Europeans in a pointless brothers’ war and the dismemberment of the British Empire apparently qualifies an individual for Breitbart Valhalla.

After determining Obama is not an ayatollah, but a follower of Loki, the newest Einherjar—American Sniper Chris Kyle—encourages the council to declare war on Muslims and defeat the “trickster Obama.”

This is the dumbest article I have ever read and is quite possibly the greatest insult to heathenry since they made “the whitest of gods” Black for the Thor film series. It’s even more insulting to the entire history of Europe to imagine our greatest heroes and gods as a bunch of conservative shitheads who worship Israel. It makes Asatru look incredibly stupid, while Valhalla is notably bereft of any actual pagans. This whole article resembles the doofus patriotic propaganda pumped out before the Iraq War. Back then it was “These Colors Don’t Run.” Now it’s “These Gods Don’t Run.”

The article exploits European history and mythology to paint a fruitless ground war in the Middle East as a heroic saga to defend the West. And this West somehow includes Jerusalem, which makes me think this is a not-so-subtle nod that we have to defend Israel at all costs. I was only half-surprised the author didn’t mention the Judeo-Odinic tradition that underpins Western Civilization. Lest we forget, allowing Muslims to conquer Jerusalem set off this “War of the Fourteen Centuries,” implying the temple city is the root of European culture.

While immigration was addressed, it was only Muslim immigration that’s a problem. If immigrants are Christian Nigerians, they could probably have a shot at goober Valhalla.

While it is positive thing to enlist the Aesir in the fight for the West, the “West” spoken of is the bloodless, deracinated civilization Pierre Krebs juxtaposes against an authentic Europe in Fighting For The Essence. This is the West of liberalism and transgender rights, not the West these heroes (minus Churchill) fought, bled, and died for. It is deceitful propaganda that appeals to the healthy sensibilities of young, White men in an attempt to convince them that Middle Eastern interventions are good. It’s the Bush doctrine masquerading as a juvenile Edda. In other words, it’s a report from Tel Aviv, not Valhalla.

If Odin looked over the world today from Asgard, he’d worry himself more with the occupation of a real center of Europe—Rome—by a cabal of pederasts pushing mass immigration rather than who claims Jerusalem.