America has a secret weapon in its new Cold War with Russia – the hashtag. That’s if the US State Department’s spokeswoman Jen Psaki is to be believed, of course.

Psaki sent out a strongly-worded tweet from her official account Thursday night mandating Russia live up to the promise of the hashtag #UnitedforUkraine. Seriously.

With this one tweet heard around the world, America has launched a new foreign policy strategy that must’ve been devised by a clique of high school girls desperate to retain their social capital. But what if I told you that there already was a clique of females — worthy of their very own chick flick –running our foreign policy?

Sure, John Kerry is officially the guy in charge, but he seems like the oblivious male figure in the narrative rather than the real man at the helm of it all. Besides, American foreign policy is becoming a lot more feminine in nature.

We constantly bitch to certain countries on their lack of respect for human rights and when they really piss us off, we fund a group of angry young guys who are more than willing to fight against their government and accept our support. It’s almost like a jilted lover convincing another man to beat up her ex-boyfriend.

Oh, and did I mention that America usually screws over her young revolutionaries in the end? Total femme fatale move!

America’s foreign policy even reflects that of a chick flick. What is it anyway? Nobody really knows outside of platitudes about “equality” and “human rights” – the same type of meaningless, feel good expressions that would be articulated by characters out of Sex and the City or Eat, Pray, Love.

And when dealing with enemies, we’re either remarkably passive-aggressive or display violent tendencies that could only be explained by “that time of the month.”  When dealing with Russia, we give them the cold shoulder, gossip about their supposed “violation” of international law, and try to convince all our allies to join in socially shunning them – just like a clique of Mean Girls would do to an erstwhile friend who violated their strict code of conduct.

When it came to Syria, the gloves came off and America threatened to bomb them into another century. Syria crossed a “red line” (and you know red is never a good sign during a period) by allegedly using chemical weapons. Even though only a miniscule fraction of Americans supported any military intervention in the conflict, our leaders didn’t care – they pissed us off at the wrong time! But once the period subsided and the rational wisdom of Russia’s male-dominated foreign policy swooped in, we found a diplomatic solution.

Unfortunately for Libya, the reasonable hand never came through. We ended up overthrowing a benign dictator just because we felt like it and now the country is in complete chaos. But as the saying goes: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and it seems rational decision making has no place in that inferno.

So who are these cast of characters lending a feminine touch to American global hegemony? I’d like to call them The Sisterhood of the Hashtag Doctrine, styled after the film The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. They each represent an archetype that is portrayed in every cultural item about female groups and they definitely have “girl power” written onto their style.

Without further ado, here’s the Sisterhood pursuing global hegemony.

Samantha Power

She’s the leader of the bunch – the Carrie Bradshaw that holds the gals together.  As the current US ambassador to the UN, she gets to voice her country’s opinion on every issue facing the globe. She’s particularly concerned with the problem of genocide in third world countries and advocates for a “solution from hell” for a “problem from hell.” But usually, she’s the most rational of the bunch and that’s why she gets to be the head hen in charge. 

Victoria Nuland

She’s the butch “tom-boy” of the clique. With her position as the Assistant Secretary of State, she’s been heavily involved in the situation in Ukraine and making sure that Russia gets an earful from this pushy Jewess. Despite being a part of a Democratic administration, she’s married to the prominent neo-conservative Robert Kagan – a favorite among war hawks. I guess tribal interests are truly bi-partisan!

Susan Rice

She’s the token minority of the foreign policy crew. She does token minority things, such as demonstrating incompetence and playing the race card when she’s attacked. No matter – she’s now Obama’s National Security Adviser.

Jen Psaki

She’s the well-intentioned dunce of the group. As spokeswoman for the State Department, she genuinely believes that all America needs to do to stop Russia is stand behind the hashtag #UnitedforUkraine and take selfies to prove it. 

Together these girls have shown their stuff and made the world quiver at the newly-minted cattiness of America. Though I do wonder why Russia has this reaction to American overtures…?