A lot of Americans are waiting anxiously for the arrival of the Blood Moon tonight, but why are people so curious about a fascinating, yet normal astronomical phenomenon?

Because several Christian Zionists are telling them it’s Yahweh’s favorite way of communicating his message to his chosen people. Even though his message is not explained well at all by a moon colored blood-red, you shouldn’t get hung up on shit like that. They haven’t quite explained how Israel receiving billions in aid from the United States has anything to with the rapture descending down on us either.

The reason for the recent excitement over the blood moons, otherwise known as total lunar eclipses, is that they will fall in a tetrad in 2014 and 2015 and two of the crimson moons will pop up during the Jewish holy days of Passover and Sukkot. According to these modern-day prophets, this is an unusual occurrence and it signifies BIG things are going to happen for the Jewish people (note: the two people most involved in pedaling this theory are not Jewish, but full-blooded goy). The last three times this series happened it happened to coincide with the Spanish Inquisition, the founding of Israel, and the Six Days War.

Apparently, this makes more than a coincidence, so these scholars — famed televangelist and leading Christian Zionist John Hagee and the lesser known Mark Biltz — have concluded that the blood moons is God’s preferred mode of communication. And something big – they’re not sure what of course – is going to happen in the next two years.

The obsession with the Blood Moons is another sign that we are living in an age of decline as every waning civilization sees a rise in cults and bizarre prophecies. Rome saw it and we are seeing it as well. But instead of deranged Gnostics who saw physical life as inherently evil, we get goofy Christian Zionists who worship Israel and read the Left Behind series.

Popular millennialist tales – like the Blood Moons theory — are designed to comfort an older generation who see a world worse than the one they remember from their childhood. They know that there are serious problems afoot in the world, but they know they are old and would prefer to not spend their golden years of retirement trying to rectify those issues. They see the death of their nation and the beliefs that they once cherished and begin to fear that they may die all alone and with no chance of an afterlife.

So they turn to ideas like Christian Zionism to comfort themselves in the twilight of their lives and embrace the fantasy that the world will soon end and they will be gloriously raptured thanks to the $500 donation they gave to Christians United for Israel.

But the Blood Moons will pass and the world will continue to turn just the same as it did in previous years. The false prophets will point out to some instance of Hamas firing rockets into Israel as proof that it was God trying to tell his people something and the old folks who believed it will continue to donate to them and fervently attend their megachurches.