Who Is German?

Deusche Welle is running a new campaign, hashtaged “#WeAreGermany,” and focused on, you guessed it, “tolerance and diversity” as “integral values of German society.”

If the people in this advertisement are really "Germany," then clearly I am not anymore.

This is the Germany that was created by Washington and Brussels. We are somehow all liberal gays, who wear idiotic hats and ridiculous slogans on our t-shirts. That we were born in Ghana or Gelsenkirchen no longer affects our “cosmopolitan” identity. We simply cut our roots. What "multiculturalism" means to us is eating pizza or kebab and feeling really global, as a result. If multiculturalism comes with deeper-rooted traditions, then we might get disgusted.

When we travel, we only visit places where other idiots like us consume their trendy drinks and talk the same shit that we do: New York, London, Paris, Bangkok, or Beirut. We developed a talent for ignoring the majority of the people in these countries, because we just hang around with the same global hipster class.

What the term "family" means to us is two or more people sharing a fridge (more specifically, a climate-friendly fridge). And whoever doesn’t agree with us raises suspicions. Those people want Hitler back. Or Putin. Or the Joker from The Dark Knight movie.

If we meet people, who are not as liberal as we are, we try to school them. We teach others about "third-wave feminism," "LGBT rights," "gender mainstreaming," and "tolerance." If others don´t agree, we call them "reactionaries" or “fascists.”

And if they still reject our liberal catalogue of "values," after we’ve schooled them, then we agree on bombing them. This is not aggression in this case but a type of "dedicated liberation." We are quite certain that those we bomb will be thankful one day. It is good to murder others, so that their relatives understand our meaning of "freedom," "democracy," and "equal rights."

But don't forget: we are nice and civilized, we, the new Germans. We hate the military, because it reminds us of the worst and most evil criminals ever—our grandfathers. So we refuse to join the army when we are in our 20s and feel good about that. Because "defending your country" is old-fashioned. In fact, we feel superior towards those who are stupid enough to serve in our army. But when we are in our 30s and 40s, we love to send younger men whom we don´t respect all over the world for “operations.” When they come back in coffins, we feel sad . . . for a little bit.

Our Germany is no longer a nation of scientists and philosophers. We are a nation of "creative" types, activists, and philanthropists. We send really angry letters to embassies of countries we had never heard of before, because someone told us that a "democratic dissident" was arrested there.

This is the patriotism of the "New Germany," which is everything and nothing at the same time.