The Music of STIHIE

The following is an installment in AltRight's ongoing series “So This Is How It Ends” (STIHIE), which chronicles instances of decadence so advanced that one can only conclude and hope that we are living in a terminal stage of Western civilization.

Rebecca Black should be commended for pushing gurl pop to its inevitable conclusion. No longer will suburban tweens be confused by their favorite star’s poetic lyrics. Indeed, “Friday” makes “Oops I Did It Again” read like the Pound Cantos.  And taking its lead from the “Bed Intruder Song,” “Friday” is auto-tuned in its entirety. Now, budding gurlstars won’t have to worry about actually singing in key or in tune to produce a video with tens of millions of hits.

Rolling Stone suggest “Friday” will leave only devastation in its wake: 

[T]hus Black and Ark Music Factory have made a video that forces its audience to reckon with a particular formula for pop music. It's not as if any of this was ever actually cool, but suddenly it seems as if any legit pop singer goes anywhere near the vibe of "Friday," it will just seem like a joke.

The music of STIHIT was produced by the Los Angeles-based Ark Music Factory. Reading between the lines of its “About” page, one understands that its business model is to get the artist’s parents to finance the music videos in hopes that their daughter might “make it” in an industry known for chewing up and spitting out young coeds. One can imagine the Ark salespitch, "Your daughter is clearly exceptionally talented, and we don't want that to go to waste." 

Ark can even provide you with a Big Black Gansta, who will rap about and cavort around your daughter.

Thought Catalog notes that at one time, “music industry bottom feeders had to seek out the child prodigies and pre-teen crooners they sought to exploit.” Now, the gurls come to them.

And who knows who will be the next Ark gurl to go viral. I’ve got dibs on “CJ Fam.” By the looks of her, she has enough obnoxious badgering power to make herself a star.