A few days ago, we stumbled upon a heated exchange taking place on someone’s Facebook Wall. Within the course of a few hours, and over 140 comment posts, the people who took part in the argument offered a revealing and entertaining look at the current mindset of Red State America; their political hangups, fears, and fantasies were all on display. We've reproduced selections from the thread here for the readers of AltRight, accompanied by some light-hearted narration. The names and faces of all characters have been bastardized in the interests of protecting the innocent and making fun of the guilty.
It all began with a modest proposal to use thermonuclear weapons against a nation-state Washington has deemed its enemy.
Super Patriot: Hit the LIKE BUTTON if YOU think IRAN's capital should be NUKED!
By the end of the day, this post was “liked” by 60 caring, freedom-loving Christians who think vaporizing a city of 8.5 million people, of whom at least two or three are children, is a wonderful idea. Within a few mintues, an antiwar right-winger threw down the guantlet with an in-your-face "dislike"; after such a gesture, the thread was destined to explode.
Andy YoMan: dislike
One of the Super Patriot's early commenters is on the fence in this one: she apparently wants to sort ‘em out before we kill ‘em! What a puss…
Parker Posey: If we could limit it to the Loons who run the country I am all for it. But so many of the Iranians want to be part of the Western World...
Other sensitive souls worry that if such an attack were to take place, some non-extremists might perish:
Mikey Neolib: I normally don't post and just read. However one thing keeps standing out to me. Most of the Christian Right posting on Rob's threads just lump all the Muslim together. Lumping in most of the Islamic world with the terrorist extremists is like lumping all Christians in with the KKK or any American terrorists ever
Here's a nugget of wisdom from a self-described "Liberal Christian":
Kimberly Fail: I really hate to admit this, but sometimes I just wish they'd go in, get the oil then nuke the whole middle east. Sorry that's inhumane but so are terrorists and it's too hard to separate the innocents from the suicide killers and terrorists.
Suddenly the protagonist of our story shows up -- Oswald Francis. He is the man destined to carry the flame of truth into this intellectual wilderness of Red America. Not that this is going to win him any friends.
Oswald Francis: Why the hell would you want to 'nuke' a country who never DID a thing to the U.S. Empire or its subjects (let's not use bs terms like 'citizens,' any longer), and kill millions of innocent people. I hope Iran gets the bomb, and soon. The U.S. will never attack a nuclear power, and the Israelis will be checkmated in their little mideast game playing of fostering destabilization...
What would be so wrong about Iran having nuclear weapons anyway? Pakistan does, and is far more dangerous and unstable than Iran could ever be. Israel has the bomb too, components of which were originally stolen from U.S. nuclear power plants.
A smart and alluring lady then enters. She first brings up the shocking fact the Super Patriot calls himself a "constitutionalist" on his profile, and then douses him with some geopolitics:
Realpolitik is Sexy: That's very "constitutionalist" of you. If the following isn't the way to piss off a sovereign state, then I don't know what is: http://publicmb.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/iran_surrounded.jpg
The link takes us to a map that demonstrates why Iran might feel a wee bit threaten by the U.S. Empire.
Another female, "Enraptured," chimes in, though, tragically, no one can figure out what in the hell she's trying to say, and her posts go unanswered. She can take credit, however, for introducing the first in a never-ending series of horribly unfunny and oft-misspelled attempts at ridiculing the name of our Mocha Messiah, or as she calls him “Hobama.”
Enraptured:The countdown is on! I hope Hobama makes a mad dash for the Midrast so he can get an explosive wake up call! :*
Other patriot women soon join in. Our favorite, the Churchlady of Doom, asserts that a proper reading of Testament leads a nation to pursue a foreign policy identical to The Weekly Standard's.
Churchlady of Doom: The liberals speaking on this post is very evident...hummm a liberal doesn't know what the bible says you can sure tell that..it is what I have noticed since little satan took over the highest office of America!
This notion that anyone who doesn't support immediate nuclear action against Iran is a "liberal" is repeated by many a super patriot, which leads Oswald Francis to interject:
Oswald Francis: We're not all liberals of your Fox News induced fantasies, honey...
This, in turn, leads the Churchlady to reveal her true loyalties:
Churchlady of Doom: Israel is the apple of God's eye! And God will protect Israel...
If the Jews aren't the choosen people talked about in the bible...explain how little Israel has survived since becoming a nation again in 1948 (which also was prophesied in the bible), they have been surrounded by Muslim nations and still are. They can't win any conflict because God's hand is over them...
I mean to say, muslims can't win any conflict because God's hand is over Israel.
If what she says is true, one wonders why bombing Iran would be necessary? Shouldn't one just leave things up to Yaweh? Regardless, the Church Lady of Doom soon unburndens herself of logic and lauches into extended series of theological non-sequiturs. (All ellipses are found in the original.)
Churchlady of Doom: Oswald, it is prophesied in the bible that many will turn from the faith and follow suducing spirits and believing in lies..that is happening today...many prophecies coming to past as we speak...God gave you a choice to accept him or deny him...eternity is forever..you can choose love and no more tears and sorrow...or you can choose pain and suffering for ever and ever...
Oswald, My God is a big God and doesn't need me or anyone else to argue this matter with you or anyone...you have heard God's word and you have to choose...simple as that...Jesus was born to a virgin, died on the cross for our sins, rose again on the third day and sits at the right hand of our father...If you believe upon him that you are saved. John 3:16
The Churchlady's world consists of two groups of people: God-fearing, Muslim-nuking Christians on one hand -- and liberal followers of “little satan” on the other. Obama, whom, Nancy hopes, will bomb Iran on behalf of the Chosen, is, apparently, an agent of aforementioned Prince of Darkness.
Churchlady of Doom: Obama is not christian so therefore if you are not of Christ you are an anti-christ which makes him a follower of satan...therefore he is little satan...and so is the left...if you don't know the bible you could ask Jesus into your heart and ask for forgiveness than turn from your wicked ways and follow Jesus and you will be a new man...
Oswald wonders how exactly Obama differs in kind from our paler "Great Presidents":
Oswald Francis: ChurchLady: Which 'Satan' are we talking about? We can go back in U.S. History all the way to the beginning? The bloodthirsty tyrant, Abe Lincoln? The Warmongering fool, Woodrow Wilson? The lying and corrupt Franklin Delano Roosevelt? ... The mentally unstable and stupid Bush Clan? Which ones are we talking about? I see little practical differences between Obama and the last Republican 'tard who held office, 'Dubya.'
Allied with the Christian-Zionists is the Knee Jerk, who pities the fools who aren’t fans of Zionism. (Unlike many of his ideological comrades, he doesn’t spell the Jewish state “Isreal.")
Knee Jerk: Don't think your other commentees are fans of Israel.......feel for em.
Some of them ain't even fans of America !!
OK ! Now I figured it out. We should just give America to Islam and maybe these folks will be happy..... just sayin'
This Jacksonian conservative also subjects the president to a series of nicknames that he appears to have invented himself; these include "Barack OBlamer" and "Barack NoBummer." The Knee Jerk can also be credited with initiating the meme "Not Bombing Iran = Islamization of America."
Since things are getting heated, our Super Patriot host decides to clarify his moderate position...
Super Patriot: That is my fault. I was to blunt and did not clarify. I have a problem with their President and government. Not their people.
Before long, a Super Super Patriot intervenes to make sure that no Red-Staters get skittish about the work that must be done.
Super Super Patriot: The capital? How bout the whole worthless country!!!!!!!!
Love those exclamation points. Here's another sensible proposal from a man who lists himself as a "libertarian" on his profile page:
Dr. Strange Libertarian: nuke em all pull out our troop bring them home and carpet bomb iran , iraq ,afganistan pakistand ansd saudi arabia oh and add a pig to each bomb they will give up in about 2 seconds
More clarifications from our host, who apparently isn't on board with Armegeddon:
Super Patriot: Maybe "nuke" was not the best choise of a word. BUT IRAN will NUKE it's neighbors when they get the chance. I should of said "destroyed". Iran is not the friend of ANY western nation. President JACKASS overthere has said he wants to bring their version of the 2nd coming to be. What do you think a nuclear bomb would do to fufill his twisted reality? That would start WWIII.
Oswald Francis then transitions to a deeper historical critique.
Oswald Francis: The Dittoheads and their ignorant comments, fueled by the trash tv they watch and the commentators they follow and imitate the views of, like Limbaugh, Beck, O'Reilly, etc. is a simple reflection of the ignorance and stupidity of many dumbe...d down Americans, a trash culture, which these cretins want to forcibly export around the world, so everyone will partake of Britney Spears, Wal-Mart, and Online Porn everywhere, whether they like it or not. It is sad, but this is a reflection of America in inevitable decline, no longer a superpower for much longer, an economy in collapse, and demographically turning into a Third World country due to mass immigration, which should have been cut off decades ago. This is the result. Conservatives and Republicans especially, like their Liberal counterparts offer no answers or solutions to anything, just ranting, raving, and spouting slogans that will mean nothing to anyone within a few years time....
Comments like this one elicit a call from one Jill Honeycakes to institute a Great Facebook Friends Purge of non-Freedom Lovers.
Jill Honeycakes: Robert, you need to DE-FRIEND the anti-AMERICAN troll!
As the thread goes on, one discovers that those who "like" nuking Iran appear to have similar viewing habits:
Dr. Strange Libertarian: ... actually i am waiting to watch Glenn Beck...
Knee Jerk: I love Beck
It's wrong to hate simpletons like the Knee Jerk and the Super Patriot, even the Churchlady of Doom. These are fundamentally decent people who just happen to reside south of the mean IQ line. Normally their reflexive, Us-vs.-Them attitude would serve their country in good stead. Unfortunately, their natural, tribal loyalties have been misdirected towards a foreign power. The American government -- now a moldering zombie masquerading as a Republic and guilefully pretending to represent these Red-Staters -- works to sacrifice their wealth, their children, and their future for the interests of Israel and an insane clique of "foreign-policy experts" residing in Washington, DC.
Breaking these people away from Red-State Fantasyland -- a world that came into being on 9/11 and has persisted much longer than we ever thought possible -- is a critical task for the AltRight.
This funny and ultimately disturbing exchange illustrates that it won't be easy.